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Tekken: Blood Vengeance
(After the opening to the Spoony Experiment, we come to Spoony in his room) Spoony: Yes, they made another Tekken movie. (Showing the dvd for Tekken: Blood Vengeance) Basically just as soon as I finished reviewing the live-action movie. (Pointing to the poster of the other ''Tekken'' movie) And you know, I really don't get it. I mean, I kinda liked that movie, but apparently, everyone else from the fans of the games to the people who made the video games called betrayal on the live-action. I mean, yeah, it almost entirely disregarded the completely shit storyline from the video games. (sarcastic) Oh, darn. (A clip of Lee's ending from Tekken 5) Spoony (vo): Because you know the plot of the video games is just untouchable, it's on par with Lord of the ''fucking ''Rings and shit. Lemme tell you something, (clips of the anime are shown) you're never gonna sell an audience with a story that opens with "dad drops his son into a volcano to teach him to be a man. And he also runs a multinational corporation that's secretly building an army of boxing kangaroos." (Lei's face to face with Roger) Lei: You're kidding me. Is this some kinda joke? Spoony (vo): The anime was about as close to the video game's story as you can get, and, guess what? The plot of the video games is fucking stupid! But, again, (Clips of the live-action movie are shown) people hated the live-action movie because it wisely dispensed with the nonsensical Devil Gene business and the other supernatural elements. Instead, making the insane decision to focus on (sarcastic) shock, gasp, martial arts, my god! The movie ditched the overwrought sins of the father Japanese melodrama and focused instead on tons of exciting action? Those bastards! (the screen page flips to the poster) When producers decided to produce a new 3D Tekken movie, they were very clear they weren't gonna pull a repeat of the live-action. (page flip to a news report on the movie) Tekken project leader Katsuhiro Harada said, (highlighting a quote) "There was a Hollywood Tekken movie, but please forget about that. (sarcastic imitation) Yeah, that good movie. Please forget that." (page flip to another part of the report) "That doesn't have anything to do with it this time." And here's my favorite part. "We want to make a movie everyone can enjoy, though. Not just Tekken fans." Spoony: (holding a bottle of Captain Morgan) Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Oh, Harada-san! You just invented the Tekken: Blood Vengeance drinking game! Every time something happens in this movie that you have to be a fan of the video games to understand, (holding up the bottle and shot glass) take a shot! Let's do this! (We're treated to a scene of a quiet Japanese street when a blur speeds by. That blur is Ling Xiaoyu riding on Panda) Ling Xiaoyu: 1 minute 12 seconds left! (wherever Panda goes, a trail of dust follows them) (This sudden stupidity is too much for Spoony that he just drops the glass and drinks out of the bottle while Xiaoyu and Panda speed towards the bike rack at school, drifting into it and coming to a stop. Spoony stops drinking after a bit) Spoony: She rides a panda to school. Fucking finally, these movies are starting to make sense, right? (Playing the Panda scene again) Spoony (vo): I mean, okay! Where did she get a panda? Why? Nobody in this movie even questions the presence of this panda and trust me, the first words out of anyone's mouth at seeing this is guaranteed to be, "Holy shit, where the fuck did she get a panda?" It's never questioned and it's never explained! Hell, it's never even mentioned in this movie at all! She's got a panda! (Oreo is now sitting in Spoony's lap) Spoony: You can't do that! You can't just introduce a character into your movie riding a panda into school and not explain that shit! I established my fucking dog in storyline and I do internet reviews! Come on! (A clip of Panda's story from Tekken 5 is shown) Spoony (vo): Not that it makes much more sense in the video game, believe me, cause in the game, Heihachi trains the panda how to fight in order to act as Xiaoyu's bodyguard. A clip of Kuma's ending in Tekken 5 is shown) Yes, Heihachi trained a bear. How to fight. Take a shot. Spoony: Look, I know I'm harping on it, and I'm so sorry. It's just fucking killing me with this panda. Giant pandas, when they're inclined to run, which isn't often, are clocked at a top land speed of 20 miles per hour. They're not the fucking Road Runner. And they're one of the world's most endangered species. I'm pretty damn skippy it's illegal as hell to own one as a pet. It's not like she's fucking hiding it, either. She's riding it down the street! (Clip of The Big Lebowski) Walter Sobchak: And also let's not forget, let's not forget, Dude. That keeping wildlife, (the Panda scene is shown while he's talking) um, you know, domestic, within the city...that ain't legal either. Dude: What are you, a fucking park ranger now? (Xiaoyu takes out some bamboo for Panda to munch on) Spoony (vo): And it's not like it's the only time you see the panda either. This is a major character in the movie. It's on the fucking dvd cover! Look, it's Jin! Nina! Panda! It's so out of place and just plain weird to have a panda in this movie that even though I know it's in the film, everytime it shows up I'm like, "Wait, what, a pan--where the fuck?" You'll see what I mean. Anyway, the movie kicks off with action as a woman on a motorcycle weaves through traffic, when suddenly... (Lights on a semi trailer in the middle of the road go on, making the bike rider stop) Nina Williams: Heh. An ambush. Cute. Spoony (vo): Um, no, that's a semi truck. (Nina then decides to play Chicken with the truck) Optimus Prime (audio): My name is Optimus Prime. (Suddenly there's a huge explosion on the freeway, taking the bridge out while Nina does a three point landing unscathed) Spoony (vo): Okay, no, no! Flag on the play! Illegal explosion! Unless she's from the planet Krypton, can somebody explain how the fuck she did that? (replaying the explosion) What in the hell even happened there? She crashed her motorcycle and that somehow took out a semi. Fucking Terminator couldn't have pulled that off. (Coming out of the trailer, somehow relatively unscathed as well, is Nina's sister, Anna) Nina: Well now, it's my dear sister, Anna. Anna Williams: Nina, it's been a long time, hasn't it? Spoony: (regarding how Nina spoke that line) Okay, nobody on the planet Earth talks like that. I'll show you. Hey Miles, come here! (Opening the door to the room is his older brother, Miles. Oreo's on his lap getting petted while Spoony speaks like Nina) Ah, if it isn't my younger brother, Miles, whom I've known all my life. So good of you to join me on the show which I host. The Spoony Experiment. Miles: Get a job. (leaving the room) Spoony: Farewell then, my dear little brother, Miles. No doubt we'll meet again soon when I will enact my poorly explained vengeance upon you. (And he does an evil laugh) Nina: Well now, it's my dear sister, Anna. Spoony (vo): These are Anna and Nina Williams, (the two sisters fight each other) two sisters who absolutely hate each other. Why? Never explained in the movie. (Take a shot!) They fight for a little while until Anna's soldiers arrive and surround Nina. (Several armed soldiers in body armor surround Nina, laser sights aimed at her) Nina: Look at this. You think you got me cornered. Spoony (vo): Um, well, yes, actually. (Gunshots are heard as we jump to the movie credits if the scene went down realistically. However, Nina jumps over Anna, backflips and then jumps off the bridge) Spoony (vo): Nope, not the Matrix. Not at all. Nothing like the Matrix. Nina: Till next time, sweet Anna. (she then shoots a grappling hook at the bridge) Spoony (vo): So what was the point of sitting in traffic in a semi? As-as what, as an ambush? Nina: An ambush. Spoony (vo): How is this an ambush? How do you ambush someone with a semi? If Anna knew where Nina was going, and knew the highway she was taking so far in advance she was waiting for her in a truck, why didn't she just set up her armed soldiers to gun her down when she drove past? Why not carry a gun herself? Why is she in a silk evening dress if she's planning on getting in a kung-fu fight? Anna: To be honest, I didn't think it would be so easy. Now we just have to wait for Jin and the Mishima Zaibatsu to make their move. Spoony (vo): The two ladies retreat back to their home bases to report to their bosses. Nina goes to the Mishima Zaibatsu which is now run by Jin instead of Heihachi, because Heihachi was killed in a fight we never actually see in the movie, and only ever happens in the video game. (Take a shot!) And Anna goes to the G Corporation, which is owned by Kazuya. Anna: This is from Kyoto. (She snaps her fingers to make the monitor show info) Spoony (vo): I have no idea what's going on except that everyone's looking for some guy because he's got a genetic thing, and they're trying to make another genetic thing because...science, or something. I don't know. Kazuya Mishima: Last thing I want is for Jin to find out. Anna: That won't be a problem. We're using an organic approach. (she snaps her fingers again to change info on the monitor) Spoony (vo): How does the computer know how to interpret her snapping her fingers as seperate highly complex tasks? (The info on screen shows Xiaoyu's picture) Anna: I have the perfect candidate. (Back at school, Xiaoyu's met by Ganryu) Xiaoyu: Whoa! Ganryu: Xiaoyu Ling of Class B! Xiaoyu: Um, I'm not late! I have seven seconds left! Ganryu: You have been summoned to the principal's office, now! (pointing his thumb at the school) Spoony: (imitating Ganryu) The director of this movie has no idea what subtlety is! (pointing his thumb the same way as Ganryu at the word "is") Spoony (vo): Oh look, Ganryu's in this movie, and...he's a gym teacher? Okay, I'm not even sure how to classify this one because, um, that's definitely not what he is in the video game. I'm confused now. Are we following the video game or not? Um, new rule! If having knowledge of the video game actually makes you understand the movie less, take two shots! (Take 2 shots!) Ganryu: Your gym repair bill: 300 grand! Everytime you go to P.E., you destroy something. Xiaoyu: That's cause you keep telling me not to hold back. Spoony: You realize this is a motion picture? If you're trying to establish that Xiaoyu's a talented martial artist, show, don't tell! Spoony (vo): So because of her destructive behavior and poor grades, Xiaoyu's been expelled from school. (looking at the computer showing her info) Or, no, I guess excluded. Ganryu: You'll be expelled and transferred! Now, what's next, principal? Xiaoyu: Transferred? Waitasec, you can't do that! (The principal's chair spins around revealing Anna, who throws a knife at Xiaoyu. Xiaoyu backflips to kick the knife away from her) Spoony (vo): Whoa-hoh, dang! Japanese cram schools are tough! Xiaoyu: Principal my butt! Who are you? Anna: As of today, I'm your new counselor. Get used to it. Spoony (vo): Oh yeah, yeah, I'll bet she's really inclined to work for you now that you threw a fucking knife at her face. (A picture of Ed Glaser holding his Telly Award statue is shown) Ed Glaser throws knives at me all the time. It's just a game we play. Xiaoyu: Why me? Anna: The answer's simple: You'll make a perfect spy. Xiaoyu: A spy? Spoony (vo): Check out Ganryu just standing there like nothing's weird. He's just witnesed an attempted murder, and there's a woman he doesn't know sitting in the principal's chair. He's just like, "oh well, it's my only scene." Anna tells Xiaoyu that she's going to a new high school to spy on this guy named Shin who has this genetic sample they're all looking for. She explains that Shin's school has airtight security that's so tough, it's impossible for the Zaibatsu to crack, so they send in a student as a spy. When she gets to class, her teacher is...Lee? Xiaoyu: Mr. Lee... Lee Chaolan: Excellent. Welcome to my classroom. Now if you will, take a seat right over there. Spoony (vo): What is with this guy? It's like he's on Quaaludes, or like he's a stage magician in Vegas or something. Lee: Now if you will, take a seat right over there. Spoony (vo): (as Lee) Now, can I get a volunteer from the audience? Xiaoyu: Every seat is available. (It zooms out to show that nobody but her and Lee are in the room! Wah-wah horns are played, leaving Lee embarrassed) Rebecca Black (audio): (from the song "Friday") Gotta make my mind up. Which seat can I take? Xiaoyu: It would be great if I could just turn a corner and bump into it. Yeah, like in some cheesy soap opera. (Just as she said that, she's ran into by a pink-haired girl) Spoony: You know, just because you point out that your script is clichéd and stupid, it doesn't change the fact that your script is clichéd and stupid. Spoony (vo): This is Alisa Boskonovitch, and yes, that's really her hair. She's incredibly annoying and she dresses like a slutty clown, but more on her later. Xiaoyu tries to find Shin with her locator device, and what exactly is it tracking? And suddenly she finds him leaping off the roof to commit suicide. (Xiaoyu jumps onto a tree branch, then jumps to Shin's rescue) And even though dozens of people witness it, and this is allegedly a high school campus with airtight security that even the Mishima Zaibatsu can't crack, not one authority figure responds to this act. Xiaoyu: What are you thinking? That should've killed you! Shin Kamiya: Should've. (Crawling in my skin!) (Whenever he's not talking, snippets of Linkin Park's "Crawling" are played) Xiaoyu: Were you...trying to...? Shin: It's none of your business. (These wounds, they--) Xiaoyu: Excuse me for helping! Shin: Just relax. Slipped, that's all. (Fear is how I fall! Confusing--) Spoony (vo): And this isn't even the first time he's tried it. Alisa: First time was there. He jumped. It's sort of like he did today. (now we're treated to an upskirt shot of the girls) Xiaoyu: So is he-- Spoony (vo): Oh, yeah, that's good. Double upskirt shot on underage school girls. Classy. Speaking of, why do all these characters wear the same clothes every day? And why does Xiaoyu still wear a school uniform when the school doesn't even have uniforms? She even makes it a point to mention this. Xiaoyu: What's this? No uniform? International schools are the way to go. Spoony (vo): That night, Xiaoyu decides to snoop around Shin's dorm room, but hears him inside taking a shower. Xiaoyu: I'm not usually the type to peek, but... Spoony: Okay, whoa, whoa! This movie needs an adult! I'm calling creepy on this one. There's a double-standard at work here. (Crawling is muted while Shin's in the shower) Alisa: Xi-Xiaoyu? Spoony (vo): (as Shin) Um, I can hear you both of you. I'm literally two feet away. (Xiaoyu grabs Alisa's hand and the two run away) Shin: (holding his left arm) It won't be long. Spoony (vo): Alright, so he has an iPad in his shower hooked up to surveillance cameras in his dorm room. Why would you ever need that? (The shot at foot level shows another pair of feet, these ones in leather boots, in the same shower!) Wha-what the fuck!? There's a dude standing there watching him shower!? My god, now I need an adult! Xiaoyu: You were there peeping, too! Alisa: My intentions are far more decent than wanting a peep show! I kinda have...a crush on Shin. Xiaoyu: A what!? Spoony (vo): This movie is surprisingly boring. Half of it is spent watching these two airheads moon over Shin, and I really have no idea why. The dude's completely emo. Alisa: This love thing...it's really hard. (Tekken: Blood Vengeance! That's gonna be said when there should be fighting going on and not teenage drama) Hey! I have an idea. We can settle this battle using our talent and charm. The School Festival. There's a popularity contest and all I have to do is win! I know that Shin's a contestant. So if he and I win, I'll become his girlfriend. (Tekken: Blood Vengeance!) Spoony (vo): So in our Tekken movie, our two heroes are trying to enter a popularity contest, and to enter, they have to submit a video. So they go there and see that Shin's filming an entry as well. Isn't the guy suicidal? Why would he think he has a chance at winning a popularity contest? Suddenly while filming the video, armed thugs break into the room and kidnap Shin. The ladies rush up to the studio, only to find that it's completely empty. Xiaoyu: That clip was like a ransom note! Alisa: Ransom note? (suddenly mechanical whirring is heard and she goes still) Activate emergency mode. Code Red. Begin protocol. Spoony (vo): Holy shit, she's a Cylon! M. Night Shyamalan (from Robot Chicken): What a twist! Alisa: Eliminating agent. (She then drop kicks Xiaoyu out the window, which is slowed down so Green Bird can be edited in. Xiaoyu climbs out of the wreckage) Spoony (vo): But she's okay folks! Big hand! Good thing she trained in martial arts or that concrete wall and 30' drop might've really hurt. Xiaoyu: Just what on earth are you? Spoony (vo): The next day, Xiaoyu calls Alisa out for a straight up fight. Because it seems neither of them are who they appear to be at first. Gotta admit, she's got balls for calling a fucking Terminator out for a fistfight. Alisa: We had our orders. And now, I'll complete my mission. Attack mode. (Suddenly rock music plays for the fight) Spoony: (covering his ears) Aaah, butt rock! Spoony (vo): Don't do that! (Xiaoyu and Alisa fight with Xiaoyu getting the upper hand catching Alisa's punch, making her punch herself in the face, elbowing her arm away, then kicking her in the air, as well as taking her head off. The body stands up) Xiaoyu: Your head! (Which then lands in Xiaoyu's hands. The eyes are closed, then snap open) Head bomb (from Total Recall): Get ready for a surprise! *boom* (All Xiaoyu gets is smudged cheeks) Spoony (vo): Oh what? Come on now! Even Wile E. Coyote would be a little singed from that! (Suddeny chainsaws grow out of Alisa's arms!) Ash Williams (from Evil Dead 2''): Groovy! (And now Alisa's head is back on her body) Spoony (vo): Oh, oh shit! She's got double arm chainsaws! That's not fair! You can't bring chainsaws to a fistfight! See, this is what I'm talking about! Picking a fight with a killer android cause they fucking cheat! (now Alisa grows jets out of her back) I'd also like to note that the chainsaws are in fact bigger in both length and width than the arms that store them. Buzzsaw (from ''The Running Man)(audio): You're dead! I love the saw. The saw's a part of me. Yeah, I'm gonna make it part of you! (Alisa then uses her jets to drop kick Xiaoyu across the pond and onto the island) Alisa: Heat sig detected. Overhead. (The building behind Alisa then blows the fuck up!) Spoony (vo): Then the building just explodes, I guess. And a helicopter arrives, dropping Anna and her attack squad to capture Alisa. I don't know why they blew up the building. I guess it was just for kicks. Alisa: Self-defense systems activate. (She evades one soldier, kicks two others before getting tazed in the back, then beat down by the other soldiers) Spoony (vo): Uh, yeah, apparently, self-defense mode does not include the double arm chainsaws and rocket thrusters. I guess she only saves those for the real threats like 90 lb., unarmed Chinese schoolgirls. Not, you know, the armed special ops team. (Xiaoyu jumps in by kicking two soldiers, ducks a swing from another and sweep kicks him off his feet) The soldiers overwhelm her and beat her into submission before Xiaoyu leaps to her aid because, okay, Alisa tried to murder her with chainsaws, but that doesn't mean they're not still friends. Spoony: Alright, so explain something to me if you can here. Why did they bother sending an unvetted, untrained Chinese schoolgirl to act as a corporate spy if taking an attack helicopter, firebombing the Jesus out of a major building and every living witness within a half mile, and dropping a team of black ops team of commandos to abduct the target was always an option? Anna: Then I guess we're done here. Toodle-oo, dearies. Spoony (vo): The soldiers prepare to fire. Very...slowly. Until a huge explosion distracts them! (Another one takes out a group of soldiers) Soldier: What's going on? (And he gets taken out as well. The blur stops in front of the girls, revealing it was Panda! The two of them are now on top of her) Spoony (vo): And Panda races onto the scene, of course! Do you see what I mean about the panda, how you just kind of forget it exists and all of a sudden, boom! There's a panda there, it's killing people! It's just bizarre. (the earlier scene plays) Um, what is exploding? Does the panda have a grenade launcher? (Panda then takes off to avoid getting shot. Alisa shields Xiaoyu from the bullets) Ha ha. Okay, yeah. We've, uh, we've got a high speed panda chase in this movie. (Alisa deploys her jets to fly them away from the commandos) And now we've got a hypersonic flying rocket panda in this movie. Oh my god, we've just completely jumped the rails, haven't we? Anime Announcer (from Clerks: The Animated Series): Who's driving? Oh my god Bear is driving, how can that be? Spoony: Alright, please, time out, stop! I can't! I-I can't explain this because my brain can only process so much stupid at once. I need to ground myself. I need to watch something more grounded in reality, something I can comprehend, please. (He then changes the channel to Yor swooping in on a dead pterodactyl to kick a caveman in the face) What? Makes more sense than a flying robot on a panda. Spoony (vo): Anyway after that, the girls, and Panda, hide out in the woods until a jogger wanders past. Lee: Well, what a pleasant surprise. Girls: Mr. Lee! Lee: (thumbs up) Excellent! Spoony: What? What's excellent? (Excellent!) What does that even mean? Who are you!? (Excellent!) Bill & Ted: Excellent! (air guitar) (Xiaoyu's now in a mansion with Lee) Xiaoyu: Is this really where you live? Lee: It is. (A shot of his mansion is shown) My humble abode has 62 bedrooms, 21 full bathrooms, and 18 half-baths. Spoony (vo): If he owns a house like this, what in the fuck is he doing teaching high school? And keep in mind, you probably know Lee here better as this guy. (Clip from the anime) Lee: Aaaahhhh! I'll never give it up! Not to anyone! Uggghhh! Spoony (vo): And he's nothing like the Lee from the video game. Strike two! (Take 2 shots!) The girls take some time to recover from their battle and Lee lets them loot his closet for fresh clothes, which raises the very odd and disturbing question: why does he have a tiny schoolgirl's uniform in his closet. (Xiaoyu is pulling bullets out of Alisa's back) Oh, yeah, and this scene's not familiar at all. T-800 (from Terminator 2)(audio): My CPU is a neural net processor. A learning computer. The more contact I have with humans, the more I learn. John Connor (audio): Cool. Spoony (vo): And of course, a scene with a girl in the shower. Can't have a movie based on a fighting game without getting at least one of them in the shower, it's fighting movie law. I guess it's fair, though. There was a guy in the shower before. Although they are both underage. (Excellent!) Alisa: Go rocket fist! (holding her fists out. Not just Xiaoyu, but Spoony's confused as well) I see you don't approve. Then how about, (holding her fists out again) sky rocket super punch! Well? The Big Lebowski: What in God's holy name are you blathering about!? Alisa: All super powers must be named. Those are the rules. It's true love. (holding her hands out in a heart) That's what makes someone human, right? (Tekken: Blood Vengeance!) Spoony (vo): I love how the assassination android with chainsaw arms and rocket boosters, eh, just plugs into a wall socket. Although that's not where (clip of Red Dwarf) Kryten's recharge socket is. It's all I'm saying. But their rest doesn't last long because Anna's troops attack Lee's mansion. (Anna and her squad surround the bed) Anna: I'm afraid your time is up, kiddies. Spoony (vo): Yeah, they're not in the bed. They're not really in the bed. It's a trick. Anna: Kill 'em! (The guards open fire on the bed) Enough! (As Spoony predicted, the girls aren't in the bed. We also get a Ringwraith screech when the sheet is pulled, as well as clips of them pushing the beds over) Anna: They've escaped! But how? Spoony (vo): (mimicing Anna) Perhaps they escaped from one of the hundreds of doors in this mansion! But how? (Spotlights shine in the room as the windows are soon shattered. Coming into the room are combat robots) ED-209 (from Robocop)(audio): Please put down your weapon. You have 20 seconds to comply. Nina: Well now, I see you've been busy, Anna. Spoony (vo): While Nina and Anna spar with some more god-awful dialogue, Xiaoyu and Alisa fly off. Good thing you can charge those hypersonic thrusters with an AC adapter. They find where Shin's been hiding and what his dark secret is: that he's the only survivor of Heihachi's illegal stem cell research to create a multi-gene life form. Because he's evil, you see. And now Jin and Kazuya want him partly because of the scientific discovery, but mostly to keep the other guy from getting it. Shin: (and of course, Crawling plays again) World's first immortal cell. I'm cursed with a body that refuses to die. Spoony (vo): (imitating Shin) Yeah, god, I can survive catastrophic injuries. It sucks so bad, you guys. (Suddenly the wall blows up revealing Jin) Oh, Jesus Christ, man! Can't anyone in this movie just use a fucking door? (The other wall blows up revealing Kazuya) Xiaoyu: Kazuya! Spoony: Anyone else? Anyone else wanna punch out a wall? Cause we got two left! (cut to an old Slim Jim commercial) "Macho Man" Randy Savage: Snap into a Slim Jim! (Now a Kool-Aid commercial as the Kool-Aid man bursts through a wall) Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah! Here comes Kool-Aid, here comes Kool-Aid! Gonna save the day! Spoony (vo): Jin and Kazuya get ready to fight when a curtain lifts, revealing Heihachi flanked by a team of armed commandos. Did they rehearse this entrance? I mean, why did nobody hear them come in? And it would've been really awkward if one of those guys had punched out the side of the wall Heihachi was on. Like, "Oh shit. Hey Jin, you sort of blew my big reveal there, man." Kazuya: I thought I'd thrown you into the depths of Hell. Spoony (vo): (imitating Kazuya) I thought I'd killed you in that scene from the video game you totally didn't need to see to understand why we all hate each other. (Take a shot!) Shin: You've no idea what this is like. My hatred...goes beyond anything you've ever seen! (he then tears his shirt off and his tattoos are glowing green. His body's also bulked up as well) So you'd feel my full wrath...before you die! (he then charges at Heihachi. He punches him in the gut, only for him to not be fazed) Spoony (vo): Pfft. Bitch, please. Dude caught a tomahawk in his teeth. And then he fucking ate it. Heihachi just straight up kick Shin's ass and then throws him in Lex Luger's Torture Rack. He explains that he never even cared about the immortality crap from all the stem cell experiments. Heihachi Mishima: Do you know why I did this? Developed the M Cell, manipulated data, and lured you both here like beasts to a slaughter? It isn't for immortality. That's not what I'm after. What I desire is power. The absolute power that comes with the Devil Gene! Spoony (vo): And if he doesn't care, why did he bother putting a multibillion dollar project in motion in the first place? Heihachi: It's time for you to die! (he then jumps up into the air and lands back down, breaking Shin's body and killing him, then throwing his body to the girls) Spoony (vo): Shit! So much for that "boo hoo I can't die" bullshit, huh? Xiaoyu: Nooooooo!! Spoony (vo): Alright, lady, you've known the guy for less than three minutes total of screen time. You're not exactly at the "noooo" stage of a relationship yet. So at long last, the three guys finally fight it out. They start out by punching each other's fists so hard it makes the entire top floor of the building explode. (Xiaoyu's flung from the shockwave of the attack) Alright, I gotta admit that this fight is pretty awesome. Mostly because I can call it live like some weird anime wrestling match. (As Jim Ross) And Kazuya punches Jin completely across the room, straight into a German Suplex! (and Heihachi gives Jin a hell of a suplex) Good god almighty! Jin with a Booker T axe kick through the floor! But wait, Heihachi catches him and delivers a sit-up power bomb through the surface of the earth! Slobberknocker, King! Pier Six brawl! (Heihachi power bombs Jin throw several floors of the building they're in!) Heihachi: Welcome to the bowels of Hell! (he then grabs Jin's foot and swings him into the wooden posts like they were paper, as well as into Kazuya before flinging him into a wall) Your final resting place! Spoony (vo): Heihachi blows Kazuya away by air juggling his candyass through another wall. But then Jin hulks up and machine gun punches him completely through the building and off a cliff! (Jin rapidly punches Heihachi hard and fast, blowing him out several walls and off a cliff. The Goofy yell is added in) Spoony (vo): With Heihachi gone, Jin and Kazuya square off to fight one on one. And this whole time, Xiaoyu and Alisa are just flying around watching all this. They've somehow been rendered completely useless in their own movie. (Jin goes through another wall and outside) I mean, what was the point of including them as the main protagonists? They have nothing to do with anything that's ultimately going on here. It turns out that their entire plot line with Shin was a red herring since Shin wasn't nearly as immortal as he thought, and Heihachi didn't really even give a shit about him. He was just using Shin to draw out Kazuya and Jin. But why would he even need to trick them in the first place? It seems to me like they're all pretty eager to kill each other in the first place anyway. Dude could've just picked up a phone and called them out. So let's count the number of superfluous characters and aborted plotlines here. First you've got our main protagonists, Xiaoyu and Alisa, and then you've got Nina and Anna who all spend the entire movie on the same wild goose chase. And ultimately contributing nothing to the story because they're all chasing another useless character, Shin. Shin, who's reduced to a punchline with how quickly and stupidly he's taken out. You've got Lee, who doesn't do anything. Ganryu doesn't do anything. So basically the only characters who matter at all in this movie are Heihachi, Kazuya and Jin. And guess what? They've only been introduced in the last fifteen minutes of this movie. And even then, if you never played the games, we know absolutely nothing about any of them. All we know is that we've got the good (Jin), the bad (Heihachi), and the ugly (Kazuya). And even the good guy, Jin, we're not that sure about. This movie is awful. Kazuya blasts Jin through a wall. Are you sensing a theme here with the walls and the flying through them? (Kazuya steps out, but he's in Devil form) And he becomes the Devil, and he really starts kicking Jin's ass. Alisa tries to get in between to save him. Um, hey lady, you maybe wanna try using those chainsaws against the 14' demon? No? Jin: Alisa, power down. Enter standby. (Alisa then goes limp and falls to the floor, a laugh track being played. Kazuya then steps on Alisa, crushing her in half) Spoony (vo): Jin finally manages to evoke his own Devil Gene, so they start flying around shooting Dragonball Z death blasts at each other. Because what's going on here, this is totally what I remember from the Tekken games. You remember this? Oh come on, this shit right here? Authentic Tekken. (Jin then punches Kazuya down from the sky, each punch making shockwaves) Jin: The Devil's power is mine. Kazuya: Don't think that this is over. (Kazuya then falls into the water below) Arklon (from Beastmaster 2)(audio): The world is mine! Spoony (vo): We cut back to the mansion to see Nina and Anna laying unconscious amidst the rubble of their cataclysmic fight. The fight which we never actually saw. Strange, considering it was the central conflict they were building up for since the''' beginning of the fucking movie!' (Lee walks in, clapping his hands. One of the few soldiers still alive points his gun at him) Lee: Tell me, why bother saving her? Anna: Ending the fun so soon would make me a bore. Wouldn't it? Lee: Ohhh, excellent! Spoony (vo): What!? That's it!? Excellent? Spoony: What is excellent about that!? (he's flabbergasted about it) Deep wang! Aaahh!! (Excellent!) Jin: I will be challenged again someday. There's no doubt. (Suddenly Heihachi's voice is heard) Heihachi: I will gladly be the one to step up and annihilate you! Rayden (from the ''Mortal Kombat movie): I don't think so. Spoony (vo): No, it's Heihachi. He's back, and now he's got the Ark of the fucking Covenant or something, I don't--they just pull this completely out of their ass. (Gold light shines from the box as Heihachi screams out, sucking up the ruined building. We're also treated to clips of what happens when you look inside the Ark to begin with!) Heihachi: Behold! What you see before you is the true form of Kyoto Castle! (Heihachi is now controlling a giant monster made of Mokujin) Xiaoyu: I don't believe it! All the castle trees are Mokujin! Spoony (vo): Guys, just trust me, that is so not Mokujin. I-it's not even close. Xiaoyu tries to escape the giant Mokujin, but she's carrying Alisa and falls over exhausted. The Mokujin steps down to crush them, but suddenly, something stops it. Heihachi: What is the problem? (Quick clip of Lord of the Rings) Gandalf: You shall not pass! Mokujin: Listen well, Heihachi. (Stopping the kaiju from crushing the girls is Panda, who roars at him) Spoony (vo): What!? Oh, bullshit! I call no fucking way! Mokujin: We Mokujin have learned something. They have shown us the bonds that exist between humans and their surroundings. Spoony (vo): Oh fuck you! Fuck this movie in it's noseholes! Suddenly Heihachi manages to override the power of love and violently punts the girls and panda away to their deaths. And--oh, I'm sorry, they're fine. I guess he's only sort of all powerful and that he can't even crush a 16-year old girl! Legendary power my balls! Jin flies onto the scene and tries to fight Mokujin in an extremely chaotic and impossible to follow migraine inducing aerial battle. But it's clear he doesn't really stand a chance cause Mokujin's too powerful. (Alisa is reactivated, the skin on her left eye gone to reveal bits of the metal skull underneath. She's also got her fist out) Alisa: Super....(her fist then has jets appear on it) Punch! Spoony (vo): Okay, so her arms have 4' chainsaws in them, and guided high explosive rockets. Rockets, which, by the way, knock the legendary doom of all mankind right on his ass. Okay dude, unlimited power. It sure looks that way, man. (The rockets fly inside the giant and towards Heihachi, knocking the monster down) Spoony (vo): How was this supposed to conquer the world again? One asshole with a stinger missile could take this dude out. (Jin then uses lasers from his head to slice through the Mokuhin and into Heihachi, obliterating him) Spoony (vo): If he could always do that, that giant head laser cutting in half thing, why didn't he just, you know, do it? So Heihachi gets killed, incinerated and cut in half, and then Jin swings by and makes Alisa better somehow. And, um, oh yeah, Jin is now Satan. I think. After the credits, there's a scene at the end where the girls talk about what great friends they are, and they decide for some reason to join the Tekken tournament. Which, ironically, is the first time the Tekken tournament has even been mentioned...in the Tekken movie. How do you even do that? How do you not have the Tekken tournament in a Tekken movie? Spoony: This movie is fucking wretched. I mean, it's the worst of the bunch. Just think about that. I was the guy who cut DOA some slack. I mean, my god. There's not any more of these, right? There's no more Tekken movies? Cause I really don't think I can handle another one if it's much worse than this. You know, if I'm gonna watch a video game movie, I think I'm gonna go back to the Sega CD cause it turns out those weren't the bottom of the barrel after all. (he gets up to leave the room) Fucking panda. Where do they come up with this shit? (Now we come to the credits, the music being "Long Live the Spoony One" by SadPanda) Lee: Ohhh! Excellent!